On why the ask you think you're making probably isn't one
There’s a version of BD that looks like relationship-building but is actually just… friendship. You stay in touch, you have the coffees, you send the occasional article. The relationship is warm. You like each other. And then six months later, someone else gets the instruction – someone who came in later, knew them less well, and just happened to ask.
I’ve watched this happen to clients. And when we unpick it, the same thing comes up almost every time: they did ask. Sort of. There was a moment – usually towards the end of a catch-up – where they said something like “well, if anything ever comes up, I’d love to be involved” or “do keep me in mind.” And then they moved on, assuming the seed had been planted.
That’s not an ask. That’s a suggestion. A light one, at that – the kind that’s easy to receive, easy to smile at, and easy to forget by the time the person gets back to their desk.
The problem isn’t the relationship. The relationship is often genuinely good. The problem is the assumption that warmth will eventually convert on its own, without anyone having to do anything uncomfortable. It won’t. At some point, the relationship has to earn its place in your BD strategy, which means having a direct conversation about working together – one that actually warrants a response.
What that looks like in practice is more specific than most people think. Not “do keep me in mind” but “I’ve been thinking about what you mentioned last time around X — I think there’s something I could genuinely help with there. Would it be worth having a more focused conversation about it?” That’s a different thing entirely. It’s direct. It gives them something to respond to. And it’s still completely natural if the relationship is where you think it is.
The Professional Friendship Ladder is useful here because it makes one thing very clear: the conversion zone starts at rung four. Trust is established, you’re on their radar professionally, the relationship is real. But the ladder doesn’t make the ask for you. You can sit at rung four for a year – warm, present, liked – and still never have a direct conversation about working together. The ladder gets you to the door. You still have to knock.
The fix isn’t to become more salesy. It’s to get more comfortable with being direct – and to recognise that a real ask, done well, is actually a mark of respect. It says: I know you well enough to have this conversation. I think I can genuinely help. I’m not going to keep hinting indefinitely and hope you read between the lines.
Most people, when they receive that kind of ask from someone they like and trust, find it a relief.
Good relationships don’t automatically become instructions. This free guide gives you a practical framework for knowing exactly where you are with any contact – and what the most useful next move is.
